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Oil Change Instructions

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Oil Change Instructions

Post  GrumpyBodger on Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:58 pm

Oil Change Instructions

For Women:

1)
Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes
later, write a cheque and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money
spent:

$30 Oil Change

$1 Coffee

$31 Total

==========

For
Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to Auto parts store and buy a
case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner, and a scented tree,
use your debit card for $50.

2) Stop by 7/11 (in the States),
and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer
and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack
stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6)
In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain
pan under engine.

Look for 9/16" box end wrench.

9) Give up
and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop
drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12)
Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching
oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15)
Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil
filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil
filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink
a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin
coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil
into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20)
Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22)
Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a
minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty
litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles
on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25)
Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27)
Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..

28)
Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil..

32)
Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back
to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35)
Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested
for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39)
Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from
impound yard.

Money spent:

$50 Parts

$20
Beer

$75 Impound fee

$1500 Bail

$2500
DUI

$6,000 Increased insurance cost over the next 3 years due
to DUI conviction

$10,145 Total

But you know the job was
done right!
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GrumpyBodger
The phantom thread killer

Number of posts : 378
Location : Dachau, Germany
Registration date : 2008-09-06

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Re: Oil Change Instructions

Post  Ian on Mon Mar 29, 2010 11:40 am

I'll have to invest in a US language to proper English phrase book.

What a "JiffyLube"...?
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Ian
Lotus Drivers Club Member
Lotus Drivers Club Member

Number of posts : 53
Location : Warwickshire
Registration date : 2008-07-17

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Re: Oil Change Instructions

Post  GrumpyBodger on Mon Mar 29, 2010 11:47 am

Ian wrote:I'll have to invest in a US language to proper English phrase book.

What a "JiffyLube"...?

All part of Life's rich Tapestry Ian
John
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GrumpyBodger
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Number of posts : 378
Location : Dachau, Germany
Registration date : 2008-09-06

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Re: Oil Change Instructions

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